by guest blogger D. Estepan
Okay, ladies. Before you break out the gasoline and your Zippos to burn me at the stake, let me say this: some men are dogs. Some cheating boyfriends shower their women with compliments, flowers, and promises of commitment only to sneak around with any skank that looks their way. Some men give half-assed excuses as to why they’re late, why there’s Maybelline in Cabernet smeared on their collar (should have gone with the SuperStay, chick), and why he has a dinner receipt with two entrees instead of one (Whitney taught me to look out for that one). Some men don’t even attempt the pretense of loyalty and instead choose to flaunt their jumpoff as a pathetic show of faux superiority over their significant other.
These men aren’t even men, really. They’re boys who were teased, picked on, and humiliated so much so as a kid that now, as an adult, they are still obsessed with being ‘cool’ and think that lying and cheating establishes their ‘manliness.’ They’re boys who want the security of a relationship but aren’t ready to say goodbye to the single life so selfishly they open up wide and take a mouthful of cake all the while expecting to have a piece in the fridge when they get home. They’re boys whose mothers told them they were SO handsome and SO smart thereby making them SO conceited that they expect to be treated like kings with no repercussions for their actions.
Cheating Jerks vs. Cheating Boyfriends
When these boyfriends get caught cheating, if they even care enough to fake a reconciliation, they’ll whip out any and every excuse and promise in the book. “Baby, nothing happened. She tried to kiss me but I stopped her. I just slipped, it won’t ever happen again. I want to marry you. She didn’t mean anything. I was thinking about you the whole time. Baby, I love you.” To them, I say this: Yes it did, no you didn’t, yes it will, no you don’t, she did to your penis, no you weren’t, and obviously you don’t. To these men, I love you is a wild card kept in their back pocket – in case of emergency, break glass. These men don’t deserve your time, your love or you. What they do deserve is to be dropped. Forgotten. Scorned.
There are some men who cheat because something in their relationship is missing and they are too lost to know how to fix it. There are some men who cheat in a moment of weakness (people make mistakes. Even you.). There are some men who feel ignored and unloved and, instead of confronting their loved one, seek comfort and attention in another woman’s arms.
Are these men wrong? Yes, unequivocally. But they don’t deserve your gasoline and Zippos either.
If you’re in a relationship long enough for cheating to have the devastating, heartbreaking effect that it so often does, then chances are you’ve been in that relationship long enough to become intimately acquainted with your significant other’s character.
If in your heart you still think he’s worth it, don’t just write him off as a dog in lover’s clothing – listen to what he has to say. It is NOT your fault that he strayed – don’t ever blame yourself; he made that decision on his own. But, there may have been red flags, issues he tried to address that you just didn’t because you were tired from a long day at work. There may have been times he tried to have a romantic evening with you that crashed and burned because you were preoccupied by the 3000 distractions a woman has thrown at her daily.
In these cases, few and far between as they might be, his love for you was temporarily overshadowed by his need to feel loved, his need to be needed. And it’s wrong, and it hurts, and it shakes the very foundation of your relationship – but it doesn’t have to destroy it. Not always.
In the end, you’re the only one who can determine whether you can take him back after he’s been unfaithful. Or whether you can trust him again.
So, if you feel betrayed and know that you won’t ever be able to look at him the same way again, fine. If you know in your heart that you’re not ready to say goodbye to him, fine. Why? Because true love is unconditional. True love can’t be faked or reasoned with or explained. True love is dependent on two things – what he feels for you, and what you feel for him.
That’s it. That’s all that matters. And if those feelings are still there, and still real, then his mistake should not have to mean the end of your happiness together. It simply means the both of you need to work towards correcting the poor communication issues which led to his cheating, and deepening the intimacy that will lead to a happier life together.