Caught Hubby in Bed with Another Man – Did I Make Him Gay?

My Husband Has Sex with Men – Did I Make Him Gay?

I caught my husband having a sex with another man whom I thought was his friend from work. When I confronted them, the man ran out the house but my husband told me that it was a one time thing and they are not gay. He said that sometimes he needs a little action on the side and women give too many problems and that he would never break my heart with another woman. I asked him why he felt the need to have sex with another man and he said “all men do it and have curiosities” but it doesn’t make them gay.

Since then I have not seen his friend and my husband says he’s sorry but I cannot get the images out of our head. I can’t have sex with him anymore because I feel disgusted by what he’s done and I wonder if the fact that I’ve gained weight after having two kids has anything to do with it. My husband wants to go to counseling but I don’t know if it can help us. I haven’t told anyone what happened because I am completely embarrassed. Please help me, I’m so miserable and I’m also scared I have AIDS.

- Devastated Wife

Devastated Wife:

Words probably can’t describe the pain you’re feeling right now. It’s excruciating enough to discover your husband’s cheating on you, but the fact he’s been with another man doubles the anguish. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this.

Your husband – to be blunt – sounds full of shit. He wants you to go to counseling with him, but for what? Chances are this isn’t the first time he’s had sex with a man, and it damn sure will not be the last time either. I’m disgusted that he had the nerve to say he always needs something on the side and uses men so he “doesn’t break your heart with another woman.” Hmph! As if it would hurt you less to see him have sex with someone he paraded off to you as a friend! He was still lying, manipulative and dishonest – in your OWN home!

Another problem I have with his argument is that he says “all men get curious and try it.” FALSE! Not every man engages in sex with other men, and real men, regardless of their orientation, don’t need to lie to kick it! He needs counseling so that he can fully accept his sexuality instead of keeping it in the closet.

Thus said, it sounds like his cry for counseling is an attempt to placate you. If you didn’t cause his activity, and he’s owning responsibility by saying this is what he chose to do, what is the objective of going to counseling?  Are there other underlying issues within the marriage that he mentioned needed to be addressed?

I just have a feeling that your husband isn’t looking to change his behavior, but is more interested in getting you to stay with him.  It seems if you guys went to counseling, you forgave him, you lost this weight you feel turned him off, and Skittles rained from the sky, it’s still not going to fix the issue: his self-justified attitude towards his infidelity. From how it sounds, he is still going to have sex with other people, including men “from time to time,” because that’s what he wants to do. Except in the future, he’ll just take greater pains to hide his activities so he doesn’t get caught.

Now in terms of HIV/AIDS risk: Don’t assume you automatically have HIV/AIDS because he engaged in sex with another man. While, men having sex with men, or MSM, have higher rates of HIV/AIDS transmission, according to the CDC, it’s sexually risky activity, such as unprotected sex with people other than their main partner that can increase anyone’s health risks. Schedule an appointment with your gynecologist, and get tested immediately. Follow a regular testing schedule as set by your clinician, and speak with them for advice on protecting yourself from the risk of any STDs. Advise your husband to get tested and keep to regular medical appointments as well, especially if you decide to engage in sexual activity with him.

Can this marriage be saved? It’s possible, but you would have to do some deep soul searching to determine if this is something you’d want to continue your commitment to. While you are a wife and mother, you have to look out for your own best interests as well. If you feel counseling can’t hurt, then I suggest looking into it, at the very least for yourself. Whether or not he comes around and helps you really pick up the pieces, I can’t predict. People do what they want to do. You can’t control him; you have other things to do, such as tend to the care of your children.

DW, lastly, I want you to know you’re not alone in this. Other women have caught their husbands and boyfriends engaged in sexual affairs with men. Brenda Stone Browder, the ex-wife of downlow author J.L. King, was married for years before discovering her husband’s secret lifestyle. She discusses her experience, and her road to recovery in her book  On the Up and Up. She also provides advice from personal experience on how to confront a cheating husband and move on, if need be.