He Gave Me HPV: I Want Answers
I have been married for 23-years. Last year I found out about a one-night stand my husband had eight years ago. He was never going to tell me and was taking it to his grave. Unfortunately, it came out last year and I was devastated. We are trying to work thru the pain and save our marriage. However, I find it very hard to get him to talk about that event. How do I or should I get him to reveal the details for that night. I feel unless we both understand what happened we will never completely move on in our marriage and infidelity will happen again. Unfortunately for me, I contracted an STD (HPV) out of this one-night fling beneath the sheets and lied about any affair when asked. I have since been cleared of HPV but it took 6 long years. This still makes me angry and I feel I have every right to be.
Every Right to Be Mad
You have every right to be mad at your husband’s one night stand. Not only was he careless in stepping outside of your marriage for sexual indulgence, but your husband gave you HPV, something that may be forgiven, but never forgotten.
Before I continue, I will address your husband’s reluctance to giving you details of his sexual affair. More than likely, your husband does not want to relive his one night stand, or provide you the explicit play-by-play on what happened. He might feel ashamed, or simply think it’s none of your business. Overall, what’s important is that you know :
1) He cheated on you.
2) He had unprotected sex with the other woman.
3) He gave you HPV, and that’s disgusting.
4) Your life will never be the same again – neither will your marriage.
If you really feel you need to know the sexual details of his one night stand, ask yourself why. I understand that you feel knowing provides closure and prevents him from cheating again, but there’s really no guarantee that he won’t cheat again. He might not, but either way, understanding why it happened is as simple as:
1) He had a reason.
2) He had opportunity.
3) He had a desire to do it.
4) He took advantage of all the above – and willfully so.
Tips for Dealing with Your Husband’s Infidelity:
1. His confession is telling of his character. How did your husband confess? Did he voluntarily admit this information in couples’ counseling or during a nasty argument? Exploring the manner in which you discovered this will help you reveal the motive behind his confession, whether he meant to hurt you, his back was against the wall or to start with a clean slate because he felt guilty. If his motive was anything but guilt or the desire to come clean, add “douche bag” to his list of character traits.
2. Determine what factor(s) led to his sexual infidelity, don’t dwell on the details of the infidelity. Cheaters, especially men, are always assumed to be in it for sex, but this isn’t the absolute truth. Many men report not feeling emotionally satisfied as a main motivation for cheating on their wives; plenty also report they simply wanted sex and figured they wouldn’t get caught if they dipped their hand in another woman’s cookie jar. Reasons vary from person to person, and can be a number of factors, so be sure to explore all the options. (One expert says there can be over 17 different types of affairs and motivations for affairs.)
3. Do not take his one night stand personal. Yes, he cheated but it does not mean you’re to blame. Your husband might not have been happy with you or your marriage when he had a sexual rendezvous, but what did he do to address his unhappiness? Additionally, you have had your share of unhappy moments in the time you’ve been together, but have you used this as a reason to justify extramarital affairs with other people?
4. Observe your husband. How does your husband act and what has he done to win your love and trust back? A husband who doesn’t care may be callous or indifferent to what happened, and will be hard-pressed to take action. Dismissive, indifferent and defensive attitudes may indicate an unwillingness to accept responsibility, deal with the past or move forward in holy matrimony. A repentant husband will show – in both words and actions – how invested he is in saving your marriage. He will not care if he has to face the pain in the past as long as it means there’s a chance his future includes you.
5. Don’t trust him to protect you. Protect yourself! Though I am not a doctor, and I cannot give you medical advice, I personally would not trust someone who cheated on me to protect me once they’ve given me HPV. Speak with your doctor about the best methods of protecting yourself in the event your husband steps out again.
If you have discovered or suspect infidelity in your relationship, take every action to practice safe sex. Some methods of safe sex include use of condoms and regular testing. Speak with your doctor or check out these safe sex tips from Planned Parenthood.